Adventures in Candyland!
by silvainaleanby
Summary: This is crack. There is cursing and silliness and Aerishating all throughout. Read at your own risk.
1. Chapter 1

**_Adventures in Candyland!_**

**WARNING: **THIS IS A CRACK FIC. THIS IS SO FULL OF CRACK, IT IS CRACKIFYED BEYOND ALL CRACK FIC IDENTIFICATION. And it's all in good, clean fun. Enjoy.

**Jessica:** Luis what are you doing? (looks at Luis on the floor, who is reading a book)

**Luis:** Oh, reading a book on magical portals and time magic. (looks up at Jessica)

**Jessica:** Really? I didn't know there _was_ a book on that.

**Luis:** Yeah. Found it on the 'net. Look at the web site; I left it on the computer. (still reading the book, he points to his laptop)

**Jessica:** (looks at the site) Oh dear god. (turns to Luis, angry) That's a porn site, you sick fuck.

**Luis:** If you had read the site's name... (gets up, walks to the laptop, and reads out loud) Magic sex (then, the site title) When you need that magic touch in the bed.

**Jessica:** (blinking in surprise) So, what have you found then?

**Luis:** Well, order that book and get a wand of orgasm. (smiles at the last one)

**Jessica:** Should I ask what you're doing with that?

**Luis:** Well I, squeee, I've used it on Kevin. (all of a sudden you hear: 'Oh my god not again, the pain, the pain; this is like the 20th time!') It goes off every 10 minutes.

**Jessica:** (looks at Luis in shock then smiles at the thought of Kevin in pain) So, what else have you leaned from that book?

**Luis:** Well, I was going to try opening a portal to FF world. (smiling as energy starts to form around his body)

**Jessica:** Doesn't that take a lot of energy? And doesn't it hurt?

**Luis:** Like a mother fucker, it burns... But what the hell? (shrugs and starts to wave his hands, writing rune in the air) Now for the human sacrifice.

**Jessica:** Who do you have in mind? (looking at him like she is not going to like what she hears)

**Luis:** Oh don't worry. I'm not going to hurt anyone we care for... Oh look, here he comes. (both Jessica and Luis look at who walks up to Luis; Luis has stopped working the runes and is holding a sword behind his back)

**Jessica:** Um... who is that?

**Luis:** (whispering) That's Alfred, the asshole.

**Alfred:** So Luis, long time no see. So, what's up? (looking at Luis to Jessica then back to Luis) I thought you would have more people here. Like Terrell and the others.

**Luis:** No need for them; I've gone through some changes. (smiling the smile of death; Jessica blinks in shock)

**Alfred:** So, why after all this time, do you want to talk to-? (unable to finish his sentence because of the high pitched _'squeeeeeee!'_ that renders him stupefied as Luis runs the sword in his crotch and out of his mouth)

**Luis:** That felt so good, heheheh! (giggle fits)

**Jessica:** Oh my. (looks in surprise at the now-dead body of the asshole)

**Luis:** Well, that should do it. (as the magic swirls around their bodies and bursts into a portal of swirling suction)

**Jessica:** Is it supposed to do that! (holding on to the laptop and Luis at the same time)

**Luis:** Let me check the book— (as the book goes flying into the portal) ...well that's not good.

As Luis loses his footing and he and Jessica get sucked in the portal to land... well, no one knows.

**Jessica:** Oh my god it burns!

**Luis:** (same time) _Squeeeeeeeeeeee!_


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 1:** The Marsh and the Midgar Zolom (Why Does the Ground Go 'Ouch'?)

**Sephiroth:** (thinking to himself) Yes. My plan to get that idiot Cloud and his friends to get me all I need to finish the humans is all coming together... (as he hears from up above him)

**Jessica and Luis:** _Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!_ The ground?

Sephiroth looks up just as Luis and Jessica fall out of the warp hole and towards the marshes.

**Sephiroth:** Ah shit, this is going to hurt...

_SPLAT!_

**Luis:** Ahh, we're alive. (looking around for Jessica)

**Jessica:** You call this alive? (unfortunately, she and Luis have impaled Sephiroth into the ground, in which his sword hilt is sticking out between Jessica's legs) A few more inches and that would have hurt…

**Sephiroth:** Ouch... the pain... (said through about seven feet of marsh ground, so you really don't hear it)

**Luis:** Do you see the book? (looking for the book; spots it a few feet away)

**Jessica:** Did you hear that?

**Luis:** What?

**Jessica:** Must have been the wind... but I thought I heard someone say 'ouch'.

**Luis:** Ah, let's see... Ok. The book's alright, I think... (starts to read and finds that some of the pages are missing) Oh that's not good.

**Jessica:** Luis, I think you should see what your laptop is doing... (looking at the laptop as it says: _'Welcome to A.O.L. Midgar please put in you password'_)

**Luis:** You've got to be kidding. A.O.L. is, like, everywhere. (puts in the password and hears _'Welcome, you've got mail'_) Well... even in another world there's A.O.L.

**Jessica:** So, Midgar. What FF world are we in?

**Luis:** Well, it could be in any one of them. Anyways, we got a problem. Some of the pages are missing from the book.

**Jessica:** Ok, what are we missing?

**Luis:** (looking away, knowing that Jessica is not going to be happy) Um... the chapter on how to get home.

**Jessica:** _What!_ (looks at Luis like she is going to kill him, and then stops as her face changes from one of anger to fear) I know what world we're in... Now run like a piggy.

**Luis:** What? (turns to see the Midgar Zolom looking at them; for those who don't know what that is, it's a giant snake that lives in the marshes of Midgar) Ah fuck.

**Jessica:** (already running) Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

Luis starts to run as he read thinking to himself: _'I know there's a chapter on battle spells...'_

**Jessica:** What the hell are you doing! That thing is almost on us, and I see the end of the marsh land.

**Luis:** I got it! (turns to face the Zolom and waves his hands in the air and says) Dark and Light Ultima Wave!

As the wave of ultima hits the Zolom, it hits Luis that he once read the Ultima Wave to a snake makes them go boom... well I guess he knows now, as the snake explodes, sending Jessica and Luis in the air. It also frees Sephiroth, sending him flying in to the Mythril Mines.

**Sephiroth:** Oh god, this is going to hurt...

As our heroes... well I guess we can't call them that... our friends, who are not sane, come to a fall. They land on, what they can tell from traveling at that speed, a chocobo.

**Chocobo:** _Wark waaaark!_

**Luis:** Ow... the fluffy wonder bunnies and the feathers... (head hits the ground)

As yellow feathers float around them everywhere, and the weak cries of _'wark waaaaaark'_ can be heard.

**Jessica:** (blinks) Wow… let's do that again!

**Luis:** Ow, the pain…

**Chocobo:** _Waaaaaaark..._

**Jessica:** Oops. (gets off of them) Sorry. You okay?

**Luis:** Ow… not really. Where's the laptop?

**Jessica:** (pops up in her hands) Here.

**Luis:** I have the book... (falls off the featherless chocobo)

**Chocobo:** _W-waaarrrrrk…_

At this time, the rancher's son, Billy, walks out of the stables with a pack of grains.

**Billy:** What the..! What the hell happened to the chocobo!

At this point, Luis is unconscious.

**Jessica:** Um… hi. Is this yours? (points to the naked chocobo; Billy can only stare) Um... yeah. We, we fell from the... (notices it sounds stupid) We were passing through the Mythril Mines, and the Zolom attacked us, and it went boom, and we went poof, and the ground went ouch... (her head is still reeling from the entire event)

**Billy:** (regains composure) Yeah. Okay. Why don't y'all come inside and my Pop'll take care of you and your dead friend.

**Luis:** (unconscious) …swirly, swirly... (to himself) Nice to float in here sometimes... I wonder if I should force myself awake. Ooh, lookit the pretty silver dot! (flies toward it)

Meanwhile, Jessica notes the twisted grin on her unconscious comrade's faced, and slams the laptop down on it. Billy jumps.

**Billy:** What was that for!

**Jessica:** Um… There was… a razor weed on his face.

**Billy:** Oh. O...kay. (leads her inside, comes back out, drags the unconscious and now bruised Luis in after her, then comes back out to see if he can do anything for the poor landing pad, I mean, chocobo...)

Inside, Jessica has put Luis on the spare beds, and is now talking to Billy's father.

**Bill:** So, where you all from again..?

**Jessica:** Um... pretty far from here, actually. I don't think you'd know it.

**Bill:** Ah. So, how's your friend?

**Jessica:** Unconscious.

**Bill:** Well, yes, but, do you have somewhere to take him?

**Jessica:** No. We, ah, we're kinda foreign...

**Bill:** Well, for a small amount of Gil, I could set you up here for a couple of days, until he wakes up.

**Jessica:** Um... hang on a second. (goes back into the room and pries the book from Luis's clawed fingers) Um, they shouldn't be like that… This is _not_ good. (takes the book and flips it open to the chapter index, where she spots the title: _Chapter 19: How to Breed Chocobos and Other Mythical Creatures_) Hmm… (goes back outside) Um, we don't have any Gil on us, but I _can _breed you some chocobos. GOOD ones at that.

**Bill:** How good?

**Jessica:** (opens book) how does Gold sound to you?

**Bill:** Gold! They've been extinct for _ages!_

**Jessica:** Don't worry, we can fix that! Oh and (looks through book again) how about, a Silver Chocobo?

**Bill:** Deal. (they shake hands)

Billy, who has overheard this conversation, walks over to his father and whispers in his ear.

**Billy:** Pop, I've never heard of a Silver Chocobo before.

**Bill:** (whispering back) That's good then, isn't it?

Jessica and the Bills walk off to see her do her chocobo breeding thing. This is Jessica's first time and well; we'll get back to that. The unconscious Luis, at this present moment, is in a dream sate or something like it.

**Luis:** Well, I finally found you, you silver thing you. What are you..?

**Silver Dot:** I'm you. Well... a part of you.

**Luis:** You're what, and you can talk?

**Silver Dot:** Yes and my name's Silvain.

**Luis:** Why does that sound so familiar?

**Silvain:** Well for starters, I'm the other half of your soul.

**Luis:** Really? Cool! But you're a dot, that's not much...

**Silvain:** Well, I could show you what I really am, but are you ready for it? I mean, you will never be the same. You will know things and see things; you will be stronger and faster, and well, just less human.

**Luis:** That sounds like me most of the time.

**Silvain:** True, but more so.

**Luis:** Sounds good.

**Silvain:** Oh, you know that once I show myself, you and I are permanently like one. So you have magic a new body and some other stuff.

**Luis:** Cool. Will I have more friends from the change, or will I have the same lonely life?

**Silvain:** Well, you will have to make friends that are all one can ever do, but you will have more family.

**Luis:** What do you mean?

**Silvain:** Well, I did have children before I became a part of you.

**Luis:** Really? How many?

**Silvain:** Oh, about twelve.

**Luis:** Cool.

**Silvain:** Well, you already know one of them. (as Silvain starts to spin around Luis and grows brighter)

**Luis:** What are you doing?

**Silvain:** Time to see what I am. (with that, Silvain explodes into his true form: a dragon--a cross between English and a Chinese dragon, with feathered wings... well, they look more like feathers with scales, all silver and platinum, with claws of black)

**Luis:** Wow, you so cool!

**Silvain:** Thanks; you're not bad yourself.

**Luis:** Thanks. (blushing at the remark) Um, how big are you?

**Silvain:** Well, I'm as big as the moon...

**Luis:** Oh my. So, will I look like that when I wake up?

**Silvain:** Um, no, but you can change into me when you need to, and a half mood as well, but you will look about the same. I mean, you will have my eyes from now on, whenever you feel something strong, like love or anger.

**Luis:** Very nice. So Sill...

**Silvain:** Sill..?

**Luis:** Ayah, short for Silvain.

**Silvain:** Ok.

**Luis:** I have all your memories and, oh my, Jessica is Aleanby. Cool, but I will have to wake her up. But not now.

Looks around for the first time and does not see Silvain.

**Luis:** (thinking to himself) Where is..? Oh, right, he is me. I think I will sleep for some time.

Outside in the chocobo ranch, there was a lot of _'warking'_ going on. Jessica has created several chocobos. Twelve green, eight black, ten blue, and one pink one.

**Bill:** I'm not sure where that pink one came from...

**Jessica:** (flipping through book) Neither am I… ah! Here it is: Pink Chocobos are a very special type of bird. They are the only chocobos known to heal their rider in battle.

**Billy:** (awed) Whoa…

**Jessica:** (reads footnote to herself) But after a certain point of healing, the chocobo will explode, sending a gigantic wave of Ultima over all opposing forces.

**Bill:** (to himself) I'm gonna make some mad Gil over these chocobos...

**Billy:** I thought you said you could make Gold and Silver chocobos.

**Jessica:** Well, I needed the Black Chocobos, and some wonderful ones as well to make the Gold ones. We'll do it tomorrow; I'm exhausted... (collapses in the midst of chocobos)

**Bill and Billy:** …..


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 2:** Chocobo Breeding and Cloud (If You Tilt Your Head to the Left, He _Does_ Look Like a Chocobo!)

As Jessica rests and dreams wonderful dreams, as well as the other occupants of the ranch, they are awoken in the very early morning hours by a low-pitched _'squeeeee'._ It has been three weeks since Luis has been unconscious, and Jessica has actually only bred _one_ Gold Chocobo.

**Jessica:** (wakes up) Oh sweet Jesus no! Oh. Luis! (runs outside to the corral; sees Luis perched on the wooden fence, just like a giant scary bird)

**Luis:** (tilts his head back to look at her) Yeeeeeeeees?

**Jessica:** (blink blink) You seem… different. You okay?

**Luis:** (flips off, lands behind her) Quite fine dear. So where are the occupants of this place?

Meanwhile, Bill and Billy have been standing in the doorway, staring in disbelief at the once barely alive companion of Jessica.

**Bill:** Did he just..?

**Billy:** Was that him _'squeeeee'_ing?

**Luis:** Oh, there they are! (turns to them; even Jessica didn't hear them) Good morning! I hope I didn't wake you! I had gas. (innocent smile)

**Jessica:** (shakes her head and puts her face in her hands) He's perfectly alright.

**Billy:** Um… 'Kay.

**Bill:** Yeah, so, um, chocobos. Yes.

**Luis:** Yes, I see you've been busy. Where are the Gold and Silver ones?

**Jessica:** (holding the book—hasn't let go of it for a month now) Um... I haven't quite figured out how to do it yet.

**Luis:** Oh, it's easy! (walks into the stables, pulls out the Gold Chocobo and the Pink one) It's simple! You take every green known to man (grinds greens together, feeds them to both chocobos, turns, looks at Jessica) Index, page 127, Spell of Breeding Chocobos.

**Jessica:** (looks) Oh. I keep forgetting about that!

**Luis:** I'll let you do this spell. (goes outside and perches back out onto the fence; turns to Bill) You should be expecting visitors soon!

**Bill:** ….huh?

A few hours later, and a few breeding sessions later too, the coral is filled with six Black, Blue, and Green Chocobos. The stables hold three Gold and three Silver Chocobos. Jessica slumps on the ground, exhausted.

**Jessica:** Ugh… the colors… so many colors... god damn…

**Luis:** (pokes his head in) How are you feeling, honey?

**Jessica:** Like I've just bred over a thousand chocobos…

**Luis:** Not quite. (walks up to her, picks her up) I think you need a rest.

**Jessica:** Thank… (doesn't finish, drops into a faint)

**Luis:** I knew this was going to happen. Too bad she won't sleep for very long. (holds her up) Life love, love about, Curagra!

Jessica is up and blinking a mile a minute.

**Jessica:** Who? What? Huh? Chocobo? Where? How many? What's going on? Where are we? Why do I feel like I've been injected with pure sugar and chocolate mix? Cloud? Where?

**Luis:** Honey, chill! (floats up to the rafters of the stables)

**Jessica:** (blink) Hey... we're in the rafters.

**Luis:** Yes, honey, I'm aware of that.

**Jessica:** But... we're in the rafters.

**Luis:** We could be on the roof.

**Jessica:** But how did we get up in the rafters?

Luis explains about his dream while he was unconscious, his other form, which is Silvain, the dragon, and the fact that Jessica is his half-daughter, Aleanby.

**Jessica:** Oh. (faints)

**Luis:** (sighs) Not again. Revive! Bunnies.

**Jessica:** (is up again) I just had the funniest dream. I dreamt you carried me up into the rafters, and told me that you were half-dragon, and I was your daughter... (looks down) ….meep.

**Luis:** Well, it wasn't quite a dream, now was it? (floats back down)

**Jessica:** Ebi... deh… emiee... eh... ah... eh!

**Luis:** English, child, English! I don't understand gibberish! (puts her down)

**Jessica:** How..? Well... what does it mean? What can we do..?

**Luis:** Well, you're not awake yet, honey. But, you can use every magical spell known to man. Look at what you did to the Chocobos!

**Jessica:** (blinks) Good point.

**Luis:** Oh look! Our guests are here!

Cloud, Tifa, Aeris, and Nanaki walk in.

**Aeris:** Excuse me... do you know where we could get some cho…. (sees all the chocobos) ….oh my.

**Cloud:** Who's the owner of this ranch?

Luis looks over at Jessica, who is gaping.

**Luis:** (whispers) Yes honey, that's who you think it is. (to the others) He's inside the house. The rest of you are welcome to go and browse through the chocobos.

**Aeris:** I'll go speak with him. (leaves)

**Nanaki:** Wow, these are amazing. I've never heard of chocobos these colors before.

**Tifa:** (points to the gold and silver) Are these real?

**Luis:** As real as those things on your chest.

**Jessica:** (hits him) SHH!

**Luis:** OW! What'd you do that for!

**Jessica:** Because her boyfriend has a sword bigger than you.

**Luis:** And your point..?

**Jessica:** ….oh yeah. Never mind.

**Cloud:** …. (shrug)

**Tifa:** Humph!

**Luis:** (finally notices Nanaki) Ohh! Pretty kitty! (runs over and nuzzles)

**Nanaki:** (sweat drop) ….get off me.

**Luis:** But why? (nuzzle nuzzle nuzzle)

Aeris walks into the stables with Billy.

**Aeris:** Alright, I have a deal on the chocobos. (stares)

**Luis:** (nuzzle nuzzle nuzzle nuzzle) Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

**Nanaki:** (looks around) Someone help me!

**Cloud:** (leans over to Jessica) Is your friend alright?

**Luis:** Of course I am!

**Cloud:** (sweat drop) You heard that?

**Luis:** Yep! (stops nuzzling, picks up Nanaki like a puppy on its back and walks up to Cloud) Ain't it cute?

**Nanaki:** Please heeeeeeeeeelp!

**Luis:** Do you want me to put you down?

**Nanaki:** (nods furiously) YES!

**Luis:** Okay! (puts him down)

Nanaki runs and hides behind Tifa and Aeris, who have been staring in... Well, staring in something, I dunno. It's kind of scary just to think about it...

**Luis:** So Aeris, what's the deal Billy gave you?

**Billy:** Two thousand gill for the Golds, and Five thousand for the Silver.

**Tifa:** What!

**Cloud:** I've never had that much money in my life!

**Aeris:** So, what can we do? We need a chocobo to get across the marshes...

**Luis:** Well, you have a point, and it is a fair deal... (casts Time-Stop on Billy) But I've got a better deal.

**Cloud:** Okay.

**Aeris:** (pokes at Billy) Did you hear that, sir? Sir..?

**Jessica:** (shakes her head) I don't think he can hear you.

**Tifa:** Wow that was so cool… do it again!

**Nanaki:** (looks at her) You're so strange.

**Luis:** So says the talking cat.

**Nanaki:** I'm not a cat! I'm a… a…

**Aeris:** What _are_ you, anyway?

**Luis:** A cow!

They all look at him.

**Jessica:** Anyway…

**Luis:** Yeah, so, the deal is: you take us with you, and we'll give you the chocobo free.

**Cloud:** Take you with us..?

**Tifa:** We're headed toward the Mythril Mines. They say Sephiroth's that way.

**Jessica:** Sephiroth..? (remembers sword) Hmmm...

**Luis:** (looks at Jessica; telepathically) Don't tell them we know more than they do.

**Jessica:** (nods) Yeah, okay.

**Cloud:** Huh?

**Jessica:** Oh! Um... yeah, that's fine. Sephiroth's no problem for us.

All look at her.

**Tifa:** No... problem?

**Jessica:** Er...

**Luis:** What she means is, if you guys need to do some dirty work, we won't mind. We just need some protection while moving around here.

**Nanaki:** Well, where exactly are you headed?

**Luis:** (smiles) We wander the world, breeding chocobos. (as he grabs a silver one and a gold one) This is how we get these kinds... CLONING RAY! (clones four Silver chocobos to ride) We'll just take them around back. And now for Billy...

**Jessica:** Oh my. If it was that easy, I would have done it sooner.

As Cloud, Tifa, Aeris, and Nanaki look in wonder at the chocobos, Luis walks up to the frozen Billy and, with no one knowing what he does but him.

**Luis:** (to himself) Ok, now in the mind, I go erase all that, and that... Oh, and put my trademark Sex Dream... and there. And his dad will think we just got here. (to Jessica telepathically) Ok honey, they don't remember a thing about us. Now they think we came in with these weirdoes.

**Jessica:** (telepathically) Ah, okay!

**Luis:** I'd better put these chocobos in the back before Billy wakes up.

Luis leads the four chocobos behind the stables, passing Barrett on the way out. He gives the big man his special smile, and Barrett unknowingly shudders.

**Barrett:** (to himself) Wow... he scares me.

**Luis:** (reading his thoughts) You don't know the half of it, dear. (sends it accidentally to Jessica)

**Jessica:** Eh?

**Cloud:** What happened?

**Jessica:** Um... is there someone else outside?

**Cloud:** Yeah, we left a friend of ours outside.

**Jessica:** ….is your friend male?

**Tifa:** (blinks) Yeah, why?

**Jessica:** Okay. Come on, we're going! (grabs Cloud's wrist and drags him outside)

Luis meets them halfway, having successfully hid the silver chocobos. They pass Barrett, who is standing against the barn wall, shivering.

**Aeris:** What's wrong? Are you alright?

**Barrett:** I swear, I just felt a being of pure evil pass by here.

**Cloud:** Is Sephiroth here!

**Luis:** (standing next to Barrett) I'm not pure evil, I'm just unknown. (smiles)

**Barrett:** AHH! (hides behind Cloud)

**Luis:** Sissy girl. (hops on Aeris's shoulders, uses her as a springboard, and leaps over Cloud)

**Aeris:** (in the dirt) Mmrph!

**Nanaki:** Come again?

**Aeris:** Mmrph!

**Tifa:** Um... sit up, Aeris.

**Jessica:** I'll help! (grips Aeris by the hair and yanks her out of the dirt, rather viciously)

**Tifa:** Wow... you ripped out half her braid.

**Jessica:** I would have preferred ripping out half her lungs, but hey, I take what I can get.

Everyone looks at her.

**Luis:** Child of wonder and love... sweet, sweet Jessica… Are we speaking out loud, or thinking out loud?

**Jessica:** … (blink) Oops. (hands Aeris back her hair)

Luis walks up the Aeris, looks back at Jessica, uses Cure, and walks away.

**Jessica:** (pouts) Dammit.

**Luis:** (telepathically) Wait a couple of more days; remember, she's going to die anyway.

**Jessica:** Alright. Let's go! (turns to the others)

**All:** ……

**Luis:** (shakes his head ) Ok, let's go, my wonder bunnies.

Everyone, except Jessica, who is used to it, shudders.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 3:** Again, the Marshlands: The Mythril Mines (Doesn't That Hole Look Like the Figure of a Man…?)

The group treks through the marshlands, noting there aren't as many Midgar Zoloms roaming around as usual. Cloud, with Tifa riding behind him, looks around.

**Cloud:** Not that many Zoloms around…

Aeris peeks her head around from behind Barrett on the second chocobo.

**Aeris:** And what's that crater way over there..?

Luis and Jessica, who are on separate chocobos, glance at one another. Nanaki, riding behind Jessica, sniffs the air.

**Nanaki:** I smell Sephiroth.. I think.

**Luis:** What do you mean, you 'think'?

**Nanaki:** It's a really faint scent.. Like he went through here really fast…

Jessica snickers.

**Luis:** ANYway, let's keep going. (rides up to Aeris and Barrett; stares at Barrett and smiles)

**Barrett:** (shudders) Dear god, help me.

**Aeris:** Thank you for the chocobos.

**Luis:** Oh no, they're special, remember? Watch what happens when you do this! (taps the chocobo's head, and the chocobo Hasteaga's itself) _Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! _(low-pitched)

All the chocobo's instantly do the same, and rush forward across the marshes. Unfortunately it also cast hasteaga to one of the party, and so they reach the mines in record time.

**Luis:** Well, that was fun.

**Cloud:** That was amazing.

**Aeris :** Oh my..

**Barrett:** Too bad we have to leave the chocobo's here.

**Jessica:** (looking at Luis) Do we really?

**Nanaki:** We can't just take them in there.. (looking up for the first time at the wall of the mine ) ..Is it me, or does that hole up there look like a man went through it?

Everyone looks up at it.

**Luis:** (telepathically to Jessica) Well, it looks like we made a good impression on Sephiroth.

**Jessica:** Heheheh! (giggle fits telepathically to Luis) What about the chocobos?

**Luis:** (to Jessica telepathically) Don't worry, I'll fix that. (it dawns on Luis that Tifa has not said a thing) Tifa, are you all right?

**Tifa:** (looks like she is on a sugar rush because she is bouncing off the walls) Fine fine never better! (said so fast only Luis understood; sounded more like:) Finfinevr!

**Cloud:** Huh?

**Luis:** Oh dear, there's a problem.

**Jessica:** Don't tell me..

**Nanaki:** What's the problem?

**Luis:** Does anyone notice that Tifa's practically _vibrating?_

**Aeris:** (looks at Tifa) She _is_ moving rather fast.

**Tifa:** (bouncing up and down in place) Whowhatwherewhenwhyhow!

**Cloud:** Hey look, they jiggle.

**Luis:** Let's see what I can do to fix this, but first.. The chocobos.

**Tifa:** Chocobo chocobo, take us away; far far far away. To the future we shall go; where it takes us, no one knows! (heard as) Chobobobotakeway, fafafawaytothfutueego, whereitakusnonono!

Everyone stares. Luis's eyes are huge, and now, silver.

**Luis:** Um, enough of that, Jessica, I'll need your help with this one. Do as I do. (points to chocobos)

**Jessica and Luis:** (really loudly) CHOCOBO MINI!

The chocobos shrink down to pocket-size.

**Aeris:** (blink) Oh my.

Cloud: Well, that's convenient.

**Barrett:** I'll be damned.

**Luis:** (turns to Jessica) You take these, but leave one here. I'll see what I can do about Tifa.

**Jessica:** (picks up all three chocobos and lets two sit on her shoulders and one on her head) 'Kay! Come on! (walks up to Cloud)

**Luis:** (studies Tifa, who is still vibrating) Well, there's nothing I can do for her now…

**Tifa:** (runs in circles around Luis) Squeegee weejie tumble were-bunnies!

**Luis:** Cloud, you go on ahead with the others. We'll meet you on the other side. (telepathically to Jessica) Honey, use any magic you deem necessary… just don't use the big spells. Not unless they can't see you.

**Jessica:** (telepathically) Okie dokie! (out loud) Alright, let's go!

Jessica and the others head into the mines, Luis turns back to the vibrating Tifa.

**Luis:** (sighs) Well, at least I got rid of them.

**Tifa:** (bouncing) What do you mean by that? (heard as) Whameanbyth?

**Luis:** (puts his hands on his head; sighs) Normal bunny death; Slowgara.

**Tifa:** (blink blink) Huh? What happened? Where did everyone go?

**Luis:** (looks at Tifa) How do you feel honey?

**Tifa:** (blinks again) Um.. Fine?

**Luis:** Good, come with me. We're taking a chocobo trip over the mountains.

**Tifa:** Huh?

**Luis:** (shakes his head) Just.. Get on the chocobo.

**Tifa:** Um.. 'Kay. (looks around) Um.. Where are they?

**Luis:** Oh yeah. (pulls chocobo out of his pocket) Isn't it so cute like this?

**Tifa:** (looks at the chocobo in his hand) Um… that chocobo is one-sixtieth it's size.

**Luis:** Not for long! (chucks it in the air) GROW HO GROW!

**Tifa:** Er! (watches as chocobo _explodes_ back to its normal size) Whoa.. How did you..?

**Luis:** Don't ask. I'll explain on the ride. Get on.

Luis hops on, and Tifa climbs on behind him, and they venture off over the mountains with hardy "Hiyah!" and a low-pitched _"Squeeeeeeeeeeee!"_.

Meanwhile, in the Mythril Mines…

Jessica wonders what actually happened to Sephiroth, because the hole goes completely through the rock walls. As the narrators, we've decided to tell you what actually happened to the silver-haired swordsman.

Poor poor Sephiroth went flying through the mines, slamming through Fort Condor, and skipping across the water, drowning slightly. You know we can't kill him that easily; this would have been a reeeeeeeally short story. Two weeks before he's scheduled to arrive in Junon, he washed up on the harbor shore, and is found by Pricilla and Mr. Dolphin.

**Pricilla:** I think its dead… (poke poke)

**Mr. Dolphin:** (dolphin noise)

**Sephiroth:** (waking up screaming.. like a two-year-old) THE PAIN! THE PAIN! (gets up and searches for a dark and cold corner to hide in)

**Pricilla:** …

**Mr. Dolphin:** (dolphin noise)

Hey, folks, we haven't even _touched_ him yet, and the poor child is just all twisted and fucked up.. Even more so then when we first "encountered" him.

Now back to the Mythril Mines. Jessica is staring around, practically cutting off the circulation in Cloud's arm. He's trying to politely shake her off, but there's really no way to do that. The others follow at a good pace, as they make their way deeper into the dark mines, coming suddenly to a branch. The path to the left was brightly-lit. The other path was darker, and echoed with things unseen. That side also had the man-shape imprinted in the rock walls. They decided to go left.

**Barrett:** It's a dead-end.

**Aeris:** Well, yes, but there's something way up on top of that path.

Everyone turns to look at Cloud. He looks back.

**Cloud:** Let me guess…

**Nanaki:** We'll be waiting down here.

**Cloud:** (turns to Jessica) Stay here.

**Jessica:** (clings tighter; his arm goes numb) No! I go with you!

**Cloud:** Right, but at least let me have my arm back. I may have to draw my sword..

Jessica clings to the back of his shirt instead, looking around as the chocobos scamper off her head and shoulders and into her shirt and pockets. Cloud leads the way up to a pinkish ball of crystal sitting on the ledge, and picks it up.

**Cloud:** Materia… (he puts it in his pocket)

From somewhere outside the cave comes the echo of a low-pitched _'squeeeeeeeee'_. Cloud: (jumps into Jessica's arms) Sweet Jesus, hide me!

**Jessica:** (holding him up; blink blink) Wow. I knew I wanted you to jump on me sometime. Didn't know it would be in the middle of a cave in front of the others…

**Cloud:** (gets down) Sorry. The noise scared me.

**Luis:** (as if he had overheard) Hehehehehehehe!

**Cloud:** (shudder) I'm going to have nightmares for a long time.

**Jessica:** (stroking his hair) Aww, poor baby, I can make it all better! (smiles)

**Cloud:** (looks at her) I don't know if I should be scared of you either.

**Jessica:** (shrugs) It all depends on what you classify as being scary: Luis, willing to rape you because you're a man, or me, willing to keep you a man because I want to rape you.

**Cloud:** (blink) My head hurts…

With a roar, a big scorpion-like beast plows through a wall on their left and stands between Jessica, Cloud, and the others. Its dark red and black, with huge spikes on its armored back and gigantic claws that clicked with a wet sound—poison-tipped.

**Cloud and Jessica:** ….meep!

**Nanaki:** Cloud! (runs forward)

The scorpion-thing's tail swathed in the air, aiming its dangerous, poison-filled tip to the animal. He stopped running and stood back, growling. Aeris and Barrett took out their weapons, slightly lost as of what to do.

**Cloud:** Aeris! Try and silence it! Barrett! I need you to come help me! Nanaki, get Jessica out of here!

Everyone ran forward. Before anything could happen, Jessica glanced around and held up her hand quickly.

**Jessica:** (looking around nervously) ……Holy.

The white light engulfed the scorpion-thing and exploded, rocking the cave and throwing everyone off their feet. Jessica sat up, blinking.

**Jessica:** Oops.

The others got up quickly, ready to fight, but the creature was nowhere to be seen. Only a pile of black ashes had been left behind.

**Nanaki:** Whoa.

**Aeris:** …mrph!

**Barrett:** What in the hell happened!

**Cloud:** (helping Jessica up) Are you okay?

**Jessica:** (nods) Yeah.

**Cloud:** Was that you?

**Jessica:** (shakes her head quickly) I've never learned anything like that!

Cloud turns away and Jessica lets out a relieved sigh.

**Nanaki:** Hey… where's Aeris?

**Aeris:** …MRPH!

She's stuck face-first in the rock wall, twitching. The other rush over to help her. Jessica reaches for her braid again.

**Cloud:** (stops her) Gently. We need her; she's our healer.

**Jessica:** I can heal too! Watch! (cracks her knuckles) Flaming death bunny Curaga!

Aeris drops from the wall and hits the ground, dazed and burned, but otherwise okay.

**Jessica:** See? (smile)

**Cloud:** You're so strange.

**Jessica:** (keeps smiling) I know.

**Barrett:** Should we keep going?

**Aeris:** (getting up slowly) Ow… I'm okay.

**Nanaki:** We have no choice _but_ to keep going. We've got to head in the other direction.

**Barrett:** I don't want to face those things in the dark.. They make weird noises.

**Jessica:** Well, at least it's not Luis. Which would you rather see in the dark? Monsters or him?

**Barrett:** (looks back) Monsters.

**Aeris:** (listens) Wait.. What monsters?

Everyone listens as they walk through the darkness of the right path.

**Cloud:** They're all gone..

**Nanaki:** I don't smell a thing.. I wonder why that is..

**Jessica:** Maybe they all ran and hid?

They look at her.

**Cloud:** Well, hell, if a big ball of light disintegrated the biggest, meanest, nastiest monster in _my_ home, I would run and hide too.

Moving on. Walking up the last winding path, they spot a tunnel and pass through it, coming face to face with the Turks. Well.. Their backs anyway. They're all inspecting the Sephiroth-hole.

**Elena:** (looking through) Wow, I can see Fort Condor from here.

**Rude:** (looks too) Didn't even take out the bird; just plowed right through the top of the fort.

**Elena:** Sephiroth must have awesome power to be able to make a hole like this…

Jessica snickers and the Turks turn to see them.

**Elena:** Ah! It's Cloud!

**Cloud:** The Turks? What are you doing here?

**Elena:** We've been assigned to track Sephiroth and stop you every step of the way!

**Jessica:** Sephiroth? (grins back at Cloud) You mean that silver-haired little girl I saw flying through here a while back?

Everyone blinks and stares at her in confusion.

**Elena:** (explodes) NO! He's the great, powerful, all-mighty being who was implanted by Jenova cells and killed the President of Shin-Ra Inc!

**Jessica:** So he killed a president, big deal. Where I come from all it takes are a gun and some time to do that.

**Elena:** (furious) We're going to Junon to track him!

**Rude:** Elena… did you just tell them where we were headed?

**Elena:** Yeah! I…. oops.

**Jessica:** (grins and waves) Thanks! We'll see you there, after I beat on the little silver-haired bitch some more!

They begin walking out of the caves, a stunned Elena and Rude staring off after them.

**Cloud:** Um.. Do you have any idea as to what Sephiroth can _do!_

**Jessica:** He can fly through rock.

**Cloud:** ….

**Nanaki:** Good point.

**Aeris:** So, will we be off to Junon?

And off they go, passing out of the caves and leaving the gaping Turks behind.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 4:** Luis, Tifa, and Terrell ("Where the _hell_ am I!")

As we leave our friends just outside the Mythril Mines, we move to the pair on the back of a silver chocobo, rushing over the last line of mountains.

**Luis:** Oops. I think we go here before they did.

**Tifa:** Nah, they should be out soon. Anyway, we were talking about it before…

**Luis:** Ah, yes. The point that, we're not exactly from around here. More precisely, not from this planet.

**Tifa:** Yeah, well, how'd you come to get here? In the chocobo ranch?

**Luis:** Well… (relays entire story up to their introduction, omitting the part about him and Jessica being dragons)

**Tifa:** (blink blink… blink blink) Wow. All that? And the portal's still open?

**Luis:** Oh god, that's right… and it's in my living room. Hope no one walks in…

Unbeknownst to Tifa and Luis, someone _is_ walking into Luis's house. His friend, Terrell, opens the door and pokes his head in, looking around.

**Terrell:** Lu?

He walks into the house, closing the door behind him and looking around, trying to spot either Luis or Jessica.

**Terrell:** Lu? Jess? He—

He walks into the next room, and becomes blinded by a strong light coming from the center. Stumbling over to it, thinking it's nothing more than a really really bright lamp… Terrell fumbles around.

**Terrell:** Now where's.. AGH!

From above, Tifa and Luis hear a strange roaring sound. Terrell lands feet-first in front of them, getting up quickly and dusting himself off, looking around.

**Luis:** Terrell! _Squeeeeeeeeeeeeee!_

**Terrell:** (backing away and searching for a weapon) Back, beast! Back!

**Tifa:** (pokes her head around Luis) Who are you?

**Terrell:** (shaking his head) I think I've hit my head or something…

**Luis:** What makes you say that? You landed on your feet.

**Terrell:** …is that a chocobo?

**Luis:** Yep!

**Tifa:** I'm Tifa.

**Terrell:** WHERE THE HELL AM I?

**Luis:** Calm down, Ryoga. (pulls him off to the side and explains _everything,_ even the dragon thing) And you're Ryu; my son.

**Terrell:** Your… (faints)

**Luis:** (sighs) Here we go again… Revive. Bunnies!

Terrell gets up, looking around.

**Terrell:** Stay away from me! I like my asshole how it is!

**Luis:** (raises an eyebrow) You know I'd never touch you. Your mind on the other hand…

**Terrell:** (shudders) Ugh..

**Tifa:** (blinks) Is he okay?

**Terrell:** (finally notices Tifa.. and we mean, _notices_) Hello..

**Tifa:** (blinks again) Hi.

**Luis:** (sighs) So, you walked into the house I take it.

**Terrell:** Well, I was looking for you and Jess. Hey, where is Jess?

**Luis:** She should be here in…(thinks) twelve seconds.

**Terrell:** What!

Our missing comrades, led by Jessica, walk up. Jessica is smiling from ear to ear (she's just spent a fairly reasonable time with Cloud all to herself), spots Terrell, and glomps him.

**Jessica:** P-Chan!

**Terrell:** Ack. Hi, sweets.

**Jessica:** You fell through the interdimensional portal thingie in Luis's house, didn't you?

**Terrell:** I wouldn't be here otherwise.

**Jessica:** (turns to Luis) And the plot thickens.

**Luis:** You don't know how much.

The others look on in confused silence.

**Tifa:** (relays the tale she understands to Cloud) So, what happened in the mines? Everything go okay?

**Cloud:** Well… (looks at the others) We were attacked, and there was this really bright white light, and all the enemies in the mines suddenly vanished..

**Luis:** (turns to Jessica and Terrell, telepathically) What did you do!

**Terrell:** (telepathically) Don't look at me!

**Jessica:** (telepathically) WELL! It was a big red scorpion thing that was poisonous and it was going to kill everyone else if I hadn't done SOMETHING!

**Nanaki:** Look out!

Six dark shapes rise into view, towering over the large party. Six Blue Thunders glare viciously at them, then scatter to the winds. Looking up, the team sees them turning in sharp angles high overhead, dive-bombing at them. One hits Terrell, and another knocks Aeris away.

**Aeris:** Wagh!

**Terrell:** Normally, I'm an even-tempered guy, but you know… (he reaches up, grabs a Blue Thunder by its beak, tears it off almost effortlessly, and hurls the wounded animal into another) I've got my limits.

Both disappear in a swirl of red, and Jessica lifts her hand to cast a spell.

**Luis:** Not a bolt spell!

Too late. She casts the spell, which nullifies against the sleek blue bodies and bounces back crazily at them. Luis is hit, and is thrown away, as Terrell quickly dispatches of the other creatures with a single blow from his new-found horn. Cloud has his sword halfway drawn, and Tifa's got half her fist in a swing. Barrett has _just_ turned the safety off of his gun arm, Aeris is still lying in a heap on the ground, and Nanaki is in the smallest hint of a crouch.

**Nanaki:** What… just happened?

**Terrell:** This is how we normally fight, although.. (looks at Jessica)

**Jessica:** Hey! I just randomly picked an element! How was I supposed to know it was their _strong_ point?

**Terrell:** The name 'Blue_ Thunder'_ sort of implies it, you know.

Jessica grumbles.

**Tifa:** So then, where's Luis?


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 5:** Luis and the Ninja Girl (Poor Yuffie)

As Luis is flung into the air, still in the sitting position he had been in atop the chocobo, he thinks to himself _This is annoying,_ as he lands in the midst of a group of three men and a small girl. They seem to be in the middle of a fight, and Luis has just parked himself on top of the three men, creating a dust cloud and a crater where the men had stood, blinking rapidly. Materia rains into his lap.

**Luis:** (notices Yuffie) Hi. Who the hell are you?

**Yuffie**: I was going to ask the same, freak! You messed up my fight! And- (notices materia) Oooh! Gimmie!

**Luis:** (looks down at materia) You mean these on the floor? These round balls of.. whatever? (picks one up; turns into the materia Transformation, and sends all his magical energies into it, mastering it in half a second, and birthing three more) This?

**Yuffie:** (stares) What _are_ you?

**Luis: **Well.. I'm many things, honey.

Just then, from beneath him..

**Man 1:** Ugh.. my head..

**Man 2**: Ow.. are you okay?

**Man 3**: (swirly eyes) Spinning spinning..

**Man 1:** Shit! Guess we have no choice! (he pulls out a T/S Bomb)

**Yuffie:** (cringes) Crap!

**Luis:** (looks around innocently) Huh?

The first man throws the bomb, but Luis catches it in mid-air and inspects it.

**Luis:** What's this?

**Yuffie:** It's a Time/Space Bomb, you fuck! (turns to run)

**Luis:** Oh. (crushes the bomb in his hand and absorbs the magic in it, then turns to Yuffie) Well, if you're going to run. (uses the Transformation materia and the magic from the T/S Bomb) Level 80 Ninja! …for twenty seconds.

**Yuffie:** (blink) ….!

**Man 1:** What the hell did he just do?

**Man 2:** I dunno.

**Man 3:** (same) Spinny spinny swirly…

**Luis:** (looks at Yuffie) You could dispatch them now. Clock is ticking.

Yuffie only thinks for a tiny moment, then runs toward the men and Luis instead. She only has to run by once, and the men end up completely naked. No weapons, armor, materia, nothing.

**Yuffie: **(turns away, counting) Let's see.. three pairs of hunter's clothes. Three wallets, about 1500 gil each.. Two short swords, thirty two T/S Bombs, seventeen materias, three crystal bangles, pair of sneak gloves, sprint shoes, and a cat's bell.. Two ribbons, lease to an apartment in Kalm, bit and bridle for a chocobo, and some odd 700 spare change in all the pockets.

**Luis:** (looking down at the now-naked men) This would be a turn-on, if I wasn't pissed off. (gets up)

**Man 1:** (blink blink)

**Man 2:** Is he..?

**Man 3:** (finally snaps out of it) Dear god, asshole in danger. Oh.. (looks around sheepishly, then looks down) Why am I naked?

**Luis:** (looks at them, a ball of magic in one hand) Okay. (casts Petrify) Let's petrify your feet to the ground.. (creates two balls of magic now) I always wanted to try this: Dragon's Tornado (fuses the two balls of energy together)

The three men's skin, muscle, and innards are shredded into nothingness. Only three skeletons remain, standing there. Yuffie, now out of her twenty second Master Ninja stage, just stares again and blinks.

**Yuffie:** ……meep.

**Luis:** Why did you meep? I don't hurt females.

**Yuffie:** (relaxes) Um.. what did you _do_ to them?

**Luis:** Disemboweled them the easy way.

**Yuffie:** (turns pale) I should never get on your bad side, huh?

**Luis:** Oh, that wasn't my bad side. That was just mildly pissed. (walks over to her, takes a pair of hunter's clothes, and a crystal bangle, and changes)

**Yuffie:** Where are you from?

**Luis:** Not from here, honey. Let's start walking and I'll explain. (takes short sword and puts it in his belt)

**Yuffie:** With that kind of magic, what do you need that little thing for?

**Luis:** Well, I'm not only just powerful in magic (swipes at a tree, appearing to miss, and then the entire thing splits right in half) I'm also strong and fast.

**Yuffie:** (blink) I see.

**Luis:** From here, how far is it to Junon?

**Yuffie:** (inspecting materia) A three day walk.

**Luis:** Good; it's a long story.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 6:** Fort Condor and the Wandering Luis (Pretty Bird!)

As we left the original team headed toward the fort…

**Jessica:** I have the strangest feeling Luis just did something so… _wrong._

**Terrell:** (shudders) You too?

He has turned from a discussion with Barrett, and the two large black men have seem to get along very well indeed. Nanaki and Aeris sit together, each in deep thought, but unknownst to the other, actually thinking the same thing: 'Does Jessica truly hate Aeris?' Cloud and Tifa sit on the lead chocobo, looking ahead at the upcoming fort, and Jessica rides the last one by herself, feeling extremely bad.

**Jessica: **(to herself) I hope he's okay… (thinks) …he's okay. He can take care of himself; that feeling couldn't lie.

**Cloud: **(trying to pick up conversation) So, Jessica, are you sure your friend's alright?

**Jessica:** (thinks again for a moment, then nods) Yeah. He can watch out for himself.

Tifa: For sure.

**Cloud: **True enough. But, where will we meet him?

**Jessica:** He knew the plan. He's probably headed for Junon, wherever he is.

**Cloud:** (nods) Right.

**Jessica:** (pause) But you know.. I got the weirdest feeling, he did something even _I'd_ be surprised at. Now that I think about it.. (thinks again) I've never really seen him mad.

**Terrell:** (overhears and snaps his head around) I have! It's the most terrifying thing I've ever seen. To make a long story short, he got up and walked back to his car, with me on his back.

Barrett blinks, Nanaki and Aeris coming out of their freaky thought process. All stare at him.

**Tifa:** You're kidding, right? That harmless, happy-go-lucky thing?

**Cloud:** I don't know about that.. he's kind of scary.

**Barrett:** (shudders) I hear ya.

**Nanaki:** He does seem to have capacity for a greater magic.. although I don't think any of us want to be at the receiving end…

Aeris: Which reminds me, where do you all keep your materia?

**Terrell:** (looks at Jessica) Materia?

**Jessica:** Yeah, materia. Um.. (thinks; to herself) How am I supposed to explain that we _don't?_ (aloud) Pockets.

**Aeris:** Pockets?

**Jessica:** We have very deep pockets.

**Aeris:** …oh.

**Terrell:** (thinks) Pockets? (reaches into his pocket and pulls out a two liter bottle of diet coke) Um.. that's not materia.

**Jessica:** (shoots him a warning glare) You get the idea.

**Terrell:** (puts it away; telepathically) Right. Pockets.

**Jessica:** (telepathically) Think you could come up with something better?

**Terrell:** (telepathically) Um.. nope.

**Jessica:** (turns back around; to herself) I wish Luis was here. He'd just scare them into submission or something..

At this time, they reach the base of Fort Condor, and look up at the huge gaping hole that is in the shape of a man.

**Jessica:** Heh heh.

**Terrell:** (blink) Weird looking hole..

**Jessica:** I'll explain later.

They get off the chocobos, and Jessica shrinks them back to their tiny state. The men of the fort are trying to patch up the large hole running through the entire building. Up on top, looking slightly ruffled, is the giant golden condor. The group walks up the dirt trail and climbs the rope into the base, Jessica riding up on Terrell's back, because she really can't climb anything. They stand together, the low-hanging ceiling just barely letting Terrell and Barrett fit inside, as Cloud addresses the man sitting at the table.

**Cloud:** Hi. Can we ask what happened here?

**Man:** Well.. it's kind of strange. All of a sudden there was a bang, then there was a screaming girl, and then another bang. Now we've got two holes to patch up.

At the mention of 'screaming girl' Jessica giggles.

**Tifa:** Do you need any help?

**Man:** Actually… no. I couldn't ask you youngsters to do that.

**Aeris:** We'd be glad to help.

**Terrell:** (shaking his head) We don't have time, we have to get to Junon.

**Jessica:** Look at the hole, Terrell. What does it look like to you?

**Terrell:** …a man.

**Jessica:** How about a six foot, silver-haired, Masamune-wielding man?

**Terrell:** (turns back) We'll help.

**Cloud:** What is it you need done?

**Man:** Well, did you all notice the huge condor up on top of out fort?

**Nanaki:** Yes. It must be an honor; condors are very rare.

**Man:** (nods) But Shin-Ra wants to throw the fort and capture the condor, because they think its nest is sitting on top of some rare materia.

**Tifa:** Cloud, do you think that's why Sephiroth was headed this way?

**Cloud:** Possibly. We don't know for sure yet.

**Barrett:** Is there really a rare material, Gramps?

**Man:** (shakes his head) I don't know. We don't disturb the condor's nest. In fact, we rarely go up there, besides to feed it and give it water.

**Jessica:** Hm.. so you want us to fight off the Shin-Ra because all your men are currently fixing the fort.

**Man:** (blink) Why, yes, that's what I was going to ask.

The others look at her, and she shrugs.

**Jessica:** A guess. Anyway, sure thing! I don't mind staying to help at all.

**Tifa:** Cloud, we can't leave these people defenseless like this.

**Cloud: **I know, I know. (sighs) Alright. We'll stay and help, but only for one night! We need to get to Junon as soon as possible.

Tifa hugs him tightly then runs off up the stairs to catch a closer glimpse of the condor and its egg. Aeris goes to the far wall, peering out of the man-shaped hole and across the ocean. Nanaki crawls off to the lower levels, finding a bed and curling up to rest. Jessica and Terrell talk, getting caught up with everything. Barrett goes back down to the front of the fort, standing watch. Cloud explores the shops aimlessly.

**Tifa:** Hey! Hey, look at that!

The only ones within hearing distance respond and run up the stairs: Jessica, Cloud, Aeris, and Terrell. They run up to the lookout tower, and Tifa points out across the grassy plains. Shin-Ran troops march in one straight squadron, headed directly for the fort.

**Cloud**: Ah, shit.

**Aeris:** What are we going to do!

**Tifa:** There's so many.. Can we really protect that condor?

**Terrell**: We're gonna try.

**Jessica:** (smiles) I get to use pretty spells! (thinks, then bites her lip) Argh... where's Luis when we need him?

Luis and Yuffie stopped and made camp. He sits in front of the fire, staring up at the stars. Yuffie's poking a stick in the fire, sending up sparks.

**Luis:** (thinking to himself) They're in trouble. (sigh) Not much I can do from here. Unless.. no, not yet. (looks at Yuffie; out loud) So, where were we?

**Yuffie:** (blinks) Um.. the part where Jessica bred like.. a hundred of the wrong kinds of chocobos.

**Luis:** It wasn't exactly a hundred, but a few. She even got a pink one.

Yuffie: Pink?

**Luis:** Yeah. Let's not get into that.

**Yuffie:** Wish we had a chocobo right now.

**Luis:** You're telling me. So anyway.. tell me about materia. I know you're carrying at least about thirty right now.

**Yuffie:** I'm not carrying thirty! I've got thirty two!

**Luis:** Thanks for telling me.

**Yuffie:** ….dammit.

**Luis:** So, what are you planning on doing with all the materias?

**Yuffie:** (jumps up and swings her fist) I'm gonna take them, and pass them out to my entire village, and then we're gonna stand up and fight the Shin-Ra!

**Luis:** Hm. So.. basically, you just wanna gain respect back?

**Yuffie:** (stops mid swing) How'd you--?

**Luis:** I'm older than I look. I know things. By the way, how old do you think I am?

**Yuffie:** Um… (looks at him carefully) Uh, sixteen; my age.

**Luis:** Um, no. Guess again.

**Yuffie:** (blink) Fifteen?

**Luis:** Younger? You think I'm _younger?_ Grrrr…

**Yuffie:** (jumps) Older then!

**Luis:** (twitch) Yes. _Much_ older.

**Yuffie:** Uh… nineteen?

**Luis:** (sigh) No. I'm twenty two.

**Yuffie!** (studies him) Damn, you're old.

**Luis:** Thank you. Do you want to be that old? I can age you.. (ball of magical energy appears in his hand)

**Yuffie:** (backing away quickly) No thank you!

**Luis:** Ah, I'm not gonna hurt you. (throws ball) Magic Wall! (smiles) That should keep the creepy-crawlies out! Come on, let's go to bed.

**Yuffie:** (still gaping) ….

**Luis:** Um, are you coming to bed? (half in, half out the tent)

**Yuffie:** (shakes her head quickly and backs away) Nuh-uh! I'm not getting into the same tent with a guy! You'll try and rape me or something...

**Luis:** (shakes his head and goes inside) Honey, I'm gay. I assure you, you're completely safe.

**Yuffie:** (walks in after him, looking confused) You're what?

**Luis:** I like men. Let's get some sleep; we've got a long day tomorrow.

**Yuffie:** (blink) Wow. I like men too. (closes the tent after herself)

Returning to the people at Fort Condor..

God, that sounded creepy. It was almost a serious conversation for a minute there. Well, I guess we can have those every so often.. I think.

Fort Condor, right.

**Cloud:** (going pale) Damn that's a lot of soldiers.

**Tifa:** Oh no.. the condor!

**Aeris:** And the people of the fort! How are we going to protect them against that!

Jessica: (turns to Terrell) Use magic.

**Terrell:** Huh? Me!

**Jessica:** Yes you. (raises an eyebrow) Have you forgotten what you are?

**Terrell:** Oh yeah. (looks at his hands) Um, what spell can I use?

**Jessica:** I don't know, something long distance. Get a jump start on the enemy.

**Terrell:** Okay… (stands up at the window) Um.. Explosion Array!

Off near the back of the troops, a huge rumble shook the ground. The earth twenty feet across suddenly sunk inward, cracking, then exploding outward and sending large hunks of rock into the rest of the soldiers that weren't caught in the immediate blast. Cloud, Tifa, and Aeris stare.

**Jessica:** (blink) Wow. I didn't know you knew something like that!

**Terrell:** (shrug) Too much D&D, whatcha gonna do?

**Jessica:** I dunno yet. (looks at the others) Does anyone have a plan?

**Cloud:** You could just stay up here and keep hitting them with spells like that.

**Jessica:** Okay! (turns to Terrell) Ready?

**Terrell:** I dunno.. that last attack made me dizzy.

**Jessica:** (turns to the girls) And you guys?

**Tifa: **I'm gonna go up and cast spells from the condor's perch.

**Aeris:** I'll go warn the other men. (she runs out)

**Cloud:** Jessica? You're staying here?

**Jessica:** Yeah, unless you want me to do something else.

**Cloud:** No, your powers will work really well from here.

**Terrell:** Maybe we should have them casting from different levels, just in case we can't hit the enemy that's advanced too far from here.

**Cloud:** Right. You come down with me; we'll go on to the area with Barrett and Nanaki. Jessica, you and Tifa stay here and cast from this angle.

**Tifa:** I've got more attack spells.

**Jessica:** Then I'll do the protect and cure spells.

**Cloud:** Good, settled. We'll meet back up here.

He runs off with Terrell. Jessica and Tifa look at each other.

**Tifa:** What should we do? Even if we attack, we won't hit a lot of the troops.

**Jessica:** We could scare them off..

**Tifa:** An army that big? How would we do that?

**Jessica:** I have an idea.. come on. We have to go up to the condor nest.

**Tifa:** 'Kay!

They rush up the stairs to the large condor's nest.

Downstairs, Cloud and Nanaki rush outside behind Barrett, who's aiming to fire a large grenade bomb at the front line of the troops.

**Cloud:** Barrett!

**Barrett:** I've only got three of these grenades in my stash! It won't last forever.

**Nanaki:** The three of us are here to back you up!

**Barrett:** Three?

**Cloud:** Yeah, me, Nanaki, and (looks) er.. he _was_ here.

**Nanaki:** Where'd he—

Terrell is seen running across the field, wielding a large, gold-plaited bat with jagged silver nails sticking out of the end.

**Cloud:** Wow. Look at him go.

**Nanaki:** Where'd he get that thing!

**Barrett:** Pockets?

They look at him, then run to back Terrell up.

Back on the roof of the fort, Tifa and Jessica balance against the winds and climb to the very top, facing the giant golden condor in its glory.

**Tifa:** Wow, it's so pretty.

**Jessica:** Yes. I wonder.. (looks at the nest) Yeah, it's guarding its baby. That's why it didn't fly away at the first sign of danger.

**Tifa:** Baby! (looks around)

**Baby Condor:** Peep.

**Tifa:** AWWWW!

**Jessica:** Heehee.

The condor squawks threateningly as Jessica walks toward the nest. She lifts her hands in a sign of peace, taking small steps toward the giant bird's claws.

**Jessica:** I won't hurt you, or your baby. I want to ask you for your help.

**Condor:** Squawk?

**Tifa:** Its help?

**Jessica:** Watch. (she looks up at the bird) You don't want to leave because of your baby, right?

**Condor:** (nods) Brack.

**Jessica:** So, what if I offered to help you protect your nest by playing a small trick on our enemies?

**Tifa:** Trick?

**Condor:** Brack?

**Jessica:** Come here.

The condor leans down and Jessica whispers to it. The condor gets so pleased it ruffles its feathers, and a materia falls at Tifa's feet.

**Tifa:** (picks it up) Wow, it's a summoning materia!

**Jessica:** Deal?

**Condor:** (nods) Kweh!

**Tifa:** Huh? Deal!

**Jessica:** Come here and I'll explain it to you.

Cloud looks up as a shadow passes low overhead. It was the condor, swooping down toward the Shin-Ra troops. He stopped and stared at it as the huge animal landed in front of them, cawing angrily. They stopped uncertainly, looking at one another for guidance. A few of them have already entered combat with Terrell, Barrett, and Nanaki. Tifa runs up to Cloud, and whispers something to him, handing him a magic materia. He nods, takes it, and runs to the left as Tifa heads right. Jessica is seen standing somewhere behind the condor, circling her hands as she chants a spell. The condor rears back, beginning to flap its enormous wings. Suddenly the sound multiplies. The troops look up as more and more condors descend from the sky, calling out angrily. Tifa and Cloud cast their spells, and then the wind intensified. All the condors move their wings strongly, sending the troops backward. The winds from all sides overpower them, smothering them in their cross-sections. The Shin-Ra turn tail and run the only way there are no condors blocking them: Back toward Junon. The condors slowly stop as the last of the troops runs back across the crater. They all land. Everyone looks around at the congregation of golden birds.

**Terrell:** I thought there was only one condor!

**Nanaki:** I thought they were all extinct…

**Jessica:** They are. (she waves her hand and all of the condors but one disappear in a swirl of smoke)

**Barrett:** (blink) Huh?

**Jessica:** It was an illusion.

Tifa: She made wind materias we could use, to keep up the illusion of so many birds flapping their wings.

**Barrett:** Ah.

**Cloud:** That was good thinking. Nice, Jess.

**Jessica:** (smiles) Anytime.

**Terrell:** (to Jessica) I didn't know FFVII had wind materias..

**Jessica:** (whisper) They don't.

**Terrell:** So then..?

**Jessica:** I just pulled a Luis.

**Terrell:** Good one.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 7:** Junon (Luis Brings a Friend)

As we find Luis and Yuffie in front of Junon Harbor, they're just standing there talking. Trust us folks, it's going to get interesting in a few.

**Yuffie:** So, are you sure they're on there way here?

**Luis:** Yes, I am. After what happened last night, I thought you would trust me more.

The night before, while checking the materia, Yuffie had found the Enemy Lure materia and turned it on.

**Luis:** Should it be glowing like that?

**Yuffie:** Yeah, I think so..

Luis looks up from where he was sitting to see hundreds of Blue Thunders and Nerosuferoths rush toward them and their protective camp.

**Luis:** Yuffie, what materia is that anyway?

**Yuffie:** I think it's the Enemy Lure materia. You mastered it for me, remember? I just wanted to see what would happen.

**Luis:** Well I think it works. (to himself) There's no way she can handle all of them; there's no choice. (grabs Yuffie and throws her in the tent, at the same time, calls on a summon spell that has never been seen and really only does one thing) Guardians of the World, protect this place from all harm.

**Yuffie:** What! I can help! Let me out! You can't take them on- (tries her best to get out of the wall of earth and magic that is now protecting her)

**Luis:** (speaking a chant in dragon so Yuffie has no idea what he's saying) Come to me, all dragons of sky and sea, fire and earth, and give your power to me. Grant me Dragon Rage! (using only his sword and his bare hands, Luis dispatches all the monsters in about ten minutes)

At the end of the battle, the summon is gone and Yuffie comes running out looking ready to fight just about anything.. but all she sees is a field full of dead monsters and all the stuff that they dropped. Luis is in the middle looking really tired.

**Yuffie:** What did you do…?

**Luis:** What do you think? So tired… Why don't you go through the bodies and see how much money and stuff we got? I'm going to sleep ..

Retuning to the present day.

**Luis:** So how much Gil is that, Yuffie?

**Yuffie:** (looking tired) Wait. I'm still counting.

**Luis:** What about our items?

**Yuffie:** (glare) Please kindly go fuck yourself.

**Luis:** (blinks then looks out toward the city) Oh look, they're here.

The others come walking up from over a ridge, riding the chocobos.

**Yuffie:** (blink) Wow, they shine! ….What are they riding?

**Luis:** Silver chocobos. (runs up to them) _Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!_

**Jessica:** (looks up and waves) Hey Luis!

**Terrell:** Ugh.. I will NEVER get used to that.

**Tifa:** (waves too) Luis! Hey, we found you!

**Luis:** Hey everybody! This is Yuffie! (points to the ninja girl) We have one thing in common.

**Luis and Yuffie:** We like men.

**All:** …..

**Nanaki:** Well. That's.. nice.

**Aeris:** Oh my.

**Cloud and Barrett:** (shudder) Ick.

**Luis:** So anyway. Come help us count our crap.

**Yuffie:** Yeah, really. There's so much of it… I lost track twice already.

**Luis:** Weren't you on two!

**Yuffie:** (looks around) Shit. You did it again!

Luis laughs maniacally. The group sits down and starts counting through the crap, while Jessica and Terrell go change into their new hunters outfits.

**Luis:** Now we look less conspicuous!

**Jessica:** Yeah no kidding.

**Terrell:** Where'd you get it?

This is the first time they've ever seen Luis blush. They blink in shock and suppressed horror.

**Terrell:** What did you do!

**Luis:** Um, well, I disemboweled three people for them.

**Jessica:** (adjusts her clothes uncomfortably) Er….

**Luis:** They weren't wearing them when I did it!

**Jessica:** So you stripped them naked and _then _killed them!

**Luis:** No, Yuffie did.

Terrell, standing close to the ninja, glances at her and steps away a bit.

**Luis:** Oh, well, she didn't.. I mean, she just… agh! Okay, here's the whole story. (relays entire tale to the group, who listen in stunned silence) I was upset!

**Terrell:** Now do you see why I said he's scary when he's pissed!

**Cloud:** I see…

**Aeris:** Oh my.

**Yuffie:** It was so cool! I felt.. so powerful.

Terrell takes another step back.

**Aeris:** But.. those poor Blue Thunders!

**Nanaki:** (looks at her) Who's side are you ON!

**Luis:** But we got so many pretty things! (jingles pouch of gil)

**Cloud:** Alright. Let's get into the harbor. We'll find a way up to the base after that.

**Luis:** Heh heh, I've got a way! Follow me!

**Jessica:** What do you have planned?

Luis giggles again. They all shrug helplessly and follow Luis as he runs around the town wall and down the harbor to the beach. Pricilla is there blowing on her whistle while her pet, Mr. Dolphin, jumps in and out of the water making his dolphin noises.

**Luis:** Pricilla! Sweet, little Pricilla, we need to borrow Mr. Dolphin!

**Pricilla:** (turns and blinks) How did you know my name? And Mr. Dolphins'?

**Luis:** (smiles) I'm a special person!

**Cloud:** (looks at the mammal) Mr. Dolphin..?

**Mr. Dolphin:** (dolphin noise)

**All:** ….

**Aeris:** Oh my, how cute! (runs out to pet it)

**Jessica:** (grabs her braid and yanks her back, throwing her to the floor) Siddown!

There is a loud rumble, and the large blue dragon, Bottomswell, rises out of the water with a loud roar.

**Luis:** Pretties! (low pitched..) _Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!_

The Bottomswell is rendered stupefied. He turns to the others.

**Luis:** This is how I got our new clothes. (turns back, grows an energy ball in his hands, slamming them together) Dragon's Blazing Fire Tornado!

Bottomswell goes 'poof'.

**Mr. Dolphin:** Holy shit, did he just-?

**Cloud :** …did the dolphin just-!

**Luis :** Yes. Now that I have your attention.

**Aeris:** Oh my.

**Pricilla:** I never knew you could talk. (blinks)

**Luis:** Ok. Can you help us get to Junon?

**Mr. Dolphin:** Ok, I don't see why not. I don't want you to get upset.

The rest of the group just stares and blinks at what just happened, as Mr. Dolphin gets himself ready to get them up onto the tower. Cloud gets up on the metal beams with no problems, however, Luis was not so lucky. He is launched into the air and misses the tower completely, landing in the dark, electrically-charged water. This sends him back up into the air and he attaches himself to Cloud's back.

**Cloud:** Get it off! Get it off! (running back in forth on the beam)

**Luis:** (coming out of being stunned) Oww… my head. (watches Cloud run back and forth)

**Cloud:** Get it off! For the love of god, get it off!

Luis grabs the back of Cloud's neck and uses a pressure point to make him stop moving.

**Cloud:** Oh god, what are you going to do!

**Luis:** (getting of Cloud's back) Ok, look, I'm not going to hurt you. Let's just start up the ladder, ok?

**Cloud:** (sighing in relief) Ok. I'll go first, and we'll work our way in there to get the rest of the team up later.

**Luis:** No problem. Let's just go.

They climb up the rest of the beams, lifting themselves up onto the huge launching pad near the outskirts of Junon. Cloud looks around for soldiers, which is kind of pointless because Luis can already sense there's no one around.

**Cloud:** Okay, the base is through that door over that way. We have to go down the freight elevator to get to it, but it shouldn't call up too much suspicion.

**Luis**: What about once we're inside? Are we just going to walk around in civilian clothing?

**Cloud:** Um, no. I haven't figured that part out just yet.

**Luis:** Well, you can always use the dress you got in Wall Market—

**Cloud:** NO.

**Luis:** But, you'll look so pretty! And you can fool those soldiers into thinking—

**Cloud:** I'm not posing as your girlfriend.

**Luis:** I wouldn't want you to. I was thinking more of you being an erotic dancer.

**Cloud:** (shudder) No dress.

**Luis:** I bet you'd look cute—

**Cloud:** No, dammit!

**Luis:** Okay, okay! Let's go already then.

They run to the edge, flipping the switch to lower the platform and dash into the base. A few soldiers in uniform walk past, talking about a send off. Cloud turns to Luis.

**Cloud:** They must mean President Rufus. I heard he was coming here in search of Sephiroth.

**Luis:** Oh really? (recalls Sephiroth flying through the air) Okay, well, how can we get to either of them?

**Cloud:** Um… (spots an empty locker room) In here.

The two slip into the room, standing in the back corner on the other side of the door.

**Luis:** Got a plan yet?

**Cloud:** (looking around) Maybe.

Voices start coming toward them in the hallway.

**Luis:** Soldiers.

**Cloud:** Shit.

**Luis:** Wait, I have an idea.

**Cloud:** Well then maybe you should come up with the plans more often.

They hide on opposite sides of the door. When the two guards walk in, placing their guns down, Cloud and Luis jump out of their hiding places.

**Luis:** _Squeeeeeeeeeeeeee!_

The two soldiers freeze, terrified. Cloud is slightly shaken, but ends up bashing them on the head and dragging them into a locker. Luis pulls off their uniforms and tries one on.

**Luis:** Ooh, comfy!

**Cloud:** (scratching himself) This uniform stinks!

Just then, a red-suited guard comes rushing in.

**Captain:** You two!

They both look at one another then quickly pick up the guns.

**Luis and Cloud:** Sir!

**Captain:** You're supposed to be gathering up the other soldiers to perform the march!

**Cloud:** We did, sir. They're all gone.

**Captain:** Well you two are still here! Come on, move it!

He ushers the two outside and runs to the exit. A band begins to play the marching tune.

**Captain:** Oh no! They're starting!

He practically shoves Cloud and Luis through an alleyway and they end up standing just before a squad of marching soldiers.

**Captain:** Now go!

**Cloud:** (whispering to Luis) I don't know how to march, do you?

**Luis:** Damned right I do! Just clear your mind.

**Cloud:** Eh?

**Luis:** Do it or we're screwed!

Cloud closes his eyes and he and Luis begin to march. Luis picks up quickly, slipping into the line with only three people and moving his gun just like everyone else. Cloud, with his eyes still closed, runs out of the alleyway and joins another line of three, twirling his gun just as skillfully. They pass under an arch and out of the president's sight. Luis and Cloud step back into the shadows.

**Cloud:** (opening his eyes) What the hell did you do to me?

**Luis:** Well, after being in marching band for four years, it's kind of innate.

**Cloud:** (shudders) Yeah, but what did you _do?_

**Luis:** Oh, I just took control of your mind.

**Cloud:** You can get out of it now.

**Luis:** But.. it's so squishy!

**Cloud:** Out out out!

**Captain:** YOU TWO!

They both jump.

**Cloud and Luis:** Sir!

**Captain:** You two were AMAZING! The president specifically requested you both be in the final send off party.

**Luis:** (looking at Cloud) Yay!

**Cloud:** (face faults) Yeah, yay.

Jessica paces along the beach as Pricilla, Aeris, and Mr. Dolphin sit in the surf, talking. Now that we know Mr. Dolphin can talk, anyway… Nanaki and Tifa sit on the sand near the steps playing chess, Yuffie watching with a vacant expression. Barrett and Terrell are _still_ talking.

**Tifa:** Check.

**Nanaki:** Damn.

**Barrett:** And y'all got that stuff from your _pockets?_

**Terrell:** Yes. (puts hand into pocket and pulls out a Vanilla Coke) Hey, Jess! You want some?

**Jessica:** No, I'm good.

**Pricilla:** (looks up) Why are you moving so much?

**Aeris:** She's a rather impatient person.

**Jessica:** (_glare_) Do you want to die before the end of the disk?

**Aeris:** No thank you.

**Yuffie:** Disk?

**Jessica:** Er, nevermind.

**Mr. Dolphin:** They'll be fine. Security's a bit loose up there.

**Jessica:** I'm not worried about the guys, I just want to know how the hell we're going to get up there.

**Mr. Dolphin:** I really can't throw some of you… (looks at Barrett and Terrell)

**Barrett:** Can I have pockets too?

**Terrell:** Um… I don't see why not…

**Barrett:** (smile smile) Yay!

**Terrell:** (backs away slightly) You're disturbing me.

**Jessica:** Ugh, there must be a way to get up there!

**Pricilla:** Up in the village, a Shin-Ra guard stands next to an elevator that you can ride up. I saw the president go through there!

**Jessica:** That's right! Come on!

She runs back up the stone steps to the small fishing village. The others, except Pricilla and Mr. Dolphin, follow her over to the guard standing by the huge metal doors. He readied his gun, pointing it up at her chest and she stopped.

**Guard:** No one goes up.

**Jessica:** Oh come on!

**Guard:** No one.

**Jessica:** (steps forward) I just want to go up for a minute!

**Guard:** (jabbing at her with gun) Orders from the president. Now back off.

**Jessica:** (turning back to the others) It's no good.

**Terrell:** Oh come on. I know that's not enough to stop you!

**Tifa:** Why not use a sleep spell or something?

**Jessica:** (blinks) Oh yeah!

She turns back to the guard, who's now looking a bit uneasy.

**Jessica:** (smiles) Sleepraga! Demon bunnies.

They guard falls in a heap on the floor, snoring loudly. Nanaki sniffs him.

**Nanaki:** Wow, out cold.

**Barrett:** Aeris?

**Aeris:** (snores)

**Terrell:** Um, Jess… I think you hit Aeris too.

**Jessica:** (voice dripping with sarcasm) Oh poor her.

**Yuffie:** (kicks Aeris) Yep. She's gone.

**Aeris:** (snore)

**Jessica:** (sigh) Barrett, carry her. We can go up and say we needed help for her or something.

Barrett picks up the dead weight.

**Nanaki:** But with the guard out, how do we plan on opening this?

Jessica looks at Terrell.

**Terrell:** Right. (goes up to controls) Let's see… (mumbles to himself, hits the console with his fist) There.

The doors open.

**Jessica:** Your way of handling machines…

**Terrell:** (shrug) What can I say? It's a gift.

They enter the elevator, standing on the platform. Terrell reaches for the levers, but Tifa stops him, reaching over and flipping one. The lights flash and the elevator takes them up through the dark pipe. The platform stops and the doors slide open with a hiss. The group looks up to see two men in their boxers stumbling out of a locker room and looking at each other in confused shock.

**Jessica:** Well. Luis has been through here.

**Terrell:** (shudders) Ugh. Let's go.

**Yuffie:** Wait! We can't just run around like this!

**Nanaki:** I have an idea.

**Aeris:** (snore)

Luis grabs Cloud by the hand and yanks him forward.

**Cloud:** What are y—

**Luis:** Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!

With a hard yank, Luis propels himself forward faster than the wind itself, dragging Cloud along behind him like a poor ragdoll.

**Cloud:** ARGH!

They pass through the entire length of Junon, arriving at the ship's cargo hold five minutes ahead of the president and Heddiger.

**Cloud:** What the _fuck_ was that!

**Luis: (**smiles) I saw it in a movie once and I always wanted to try it.

Author's note. Yeah, yeah, we know we're ripping off a whole bunch of movies. Fuck off. Wait, can we say that? Yeah we can, it's our comic for christsakes. Anyway, back to the action!

**Cloud:** You're weird, you know that?

**Luis:** Thank you. Anyway, better clear your mind again, I'm about to pull some shit.

**Cloud:** Ah, fuck.

The president walks up with two other guards and the captain. Meanwhile, Jessica, Terrell, and the others, with Aeris still sleeping, run up behind them and sneak into the belly of the ship.

**Captain:** Okay, men! Let's show the president what you've got!

Luis: Yes sir! (suddenly takes over the other soldiers' minds at the exact same time)

**Captain:** And a-one and a-two and a—

**Luis:** _Squeeeeeeeeeeeeee!_

Luis directs them in a ballet of amazing rifle throwing and march maneuvers. The captain stares in amazement, and even the president is well-impressed. The two other guards fall, and Cloud and Luis finish up by catching both theirs and the fallen soldier's rifles.

**Rufus:** Impressive. Here you are. (gives Cloud the Force Stealer and hands Luis the Lionheart gunblade; yes, folks, we've just fucked with the story line some more)

**Luis:** Yay! I'm gonna have fun with this in a few minutes!

**Cloud:** (dazed) Huh…?

**Luis:** Come on, I saw the others go inside.

He takes Cloud's hand and drags him into the boat. The cargo bay closes and the ship pulls out of the harbor, making an about-face and steaming off toward Costa del Sol.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter** **Eight:** The Boat (Lookit the Pretty Waves!)

Luis and Cloud split up in the cargo bay, each searching for their own friends. Luis finds both Jessica and Terrell in a corner on the top deck near a lopsided Shin-Ra soldier, moving as if he were either drunk or seasick.

**Jessica:** Ugh.. I feel like crap…

**Terrell:** What? You're seasick!

**Jessica:** (nod) Er…..

**Luis:** (walking up) Aww, poor baby.

Jessica forgets her seasickness.

**Jessica:** Mommy!

**Luis:** Hi sweetie. We're not feeling well, are we?

**Terrell:** She's got a bit of a weak stomach.

Luis looks at her and pokes a finger into her bellybutton, whispering something in Draconic and pulling away.

**Luis:** Better?

**Jessica:** (blink blink) Yeah.. how'd you— (remembers) Oh. Nevermind.

**Luis:** Anyway, why don't we sit here for a bit? Cloud still needs to find his friends and fight that Jenova-thingy.

**Jessica:** (blink) Aren't we going to help them?

**Terrell:** (looks at Jessica) No.

**Jessica:** You're so mean!

**Terrell:** We've got our own shit to deal with right now.

The three of them look out over the side of the boat, watching several huge ripples in the water, heading toward them.

**Jessica:** Sea serpents…

**Luis:** Actually, larger Bottomswells. It seems they can sense my Draconic energy.

**Terrell:** Well, that just sucks.

**Luis:** Oh well, that's life, what are you going to do?

**Jessica:** We can't just turn it off, can we?

**Luis:** No.

**Terrell:** Looks like Cloud found the others.

The three of them look up as Cloud and his group gather in the center of the ship's deck. Then he, Tifa, and Nanaki slip into the bowls of the ship. The others run in different directions, disappearing.

**Jessica:** They're going to fight the Jenova-thingy?

**Luis:** Yep.

**Terrell:** Yeah, well, we've got our own problems.

Four Bottomswells, each much larger than the first, rise out of the water and tower over the three crouched in the corner.

**Jessica:** Ah, shit.

**Terrell:** Well. This is fucking beautiful.

**Luis:** Actually, it's about to get a lot more interesting!

**Jessica:** What are you going to do!

**Luis:** For starters… (creates a ball of energy in his hand and throws it into the water) Grand Earth Rise! (a small island forms beneath the serpents) Well, now they can't use water attacks!

**Jessica:** (stare) …

**Terrell:** You still scare me sometimes.

**Luis:** (hands Jessica the Lionheart) Here, have fun. Go at it. I want it back though.

Jessica can only keep staring. One Bottomswell snaps at them, its teeth coming dangerously close. They shakes themselves out of it, turning to the four creatures and preparing to fight.

Cloud, Tifa, and Nanaki watch as Sephiroth flies out from wherever they are, his hair slightly disheveled, and one black eye glaring at them. He laughs maniacally and leaves behind a piece of Jenova—Birth.

**Cloud:** We have to kill it!

**Tifa:** Eeeewww…

**Nanaki:** Why don't we use the T/S Bombs?

**Cloud:** You do that. Tifa, cast support magic. I'll attack.

Sephiroth rises from the innards of the ship, looking around at the battle he's just popped up into, literally.

**Terrell:** Fire Pillar!

A huge pillar of fire (as the name implies) engulfs one Bottomswell and strikes it over and over with huge fire spells. It falls onto the sand of the tiny island, dead. The rest of Cloud's group notices the bright flares and the loud explosions, and stare in disbelief. Sephiroth looks at the sleeping Luis, then at the Lionheart-wielding Jessica.

**Sephiroth:** Wow, they look… kind of familiar…

She jumps up into the air, the blade glowing red.

**Jessica:** Renzokuken—Lionheart!

She leaps up into the air, instantly hasted and berserked, swinging the blade at blinding speed, hitting each Bottomswell with fifteen strikes of 9999. As all three fall, her last swing of the sword falls on Sephiroth.

**Sephiroth:** ARGH!

He goes flying. Jessica falls back to the deck, panting.

**Jessica:** What…was that?

**Terrell:** (watching Sephiroth fly off into the distance) Nothing.

Luis snickers in his sleep. The others stare. At that moment, Tifa, Cloud, and Nanaki trudge back up on deck, covered in green slime and looking rather disgusted.

**Cloud:** Well… at least we beat it.

**Tifa:** Eeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww………….!

**Nanaki:** Blasted thing didn't want to die.

**Yuffie:** So how did you end up killing it?

**Cloud:** Uh, there was this scream from outside—it sounded like Sephiroth—

**Luis and Terrell:** (snicker)

**Cloud:** —and the Jenova-thingie looked up and then I got it with my new sword… (holds up shattered pieces of the Force Stealer)

**Jessica:** Well, you can get a new sword at Costa del Sol (motions to the beach just ahead)

**Barrett:** We're there already?

**Aeris:** My, what a fast boat.

**Luis:** (cackles maniacally in the corner and wakes up) So what's up? Ahh, nice nap.

**Yuffie:** Weirdo.

**Luis:** I love you too, sweetie. (looks at the sword pieces) What happened?

**Cloud:** (tells him) So yeah. No more sword.

**Luis:** Aww, I can fix it. Give it to me.

Cloud hands him the pieces.

**Luis:** Anyone have any leftover bits of Jenova on them?

**Tifa:** (making a face) Eeewww… I do.

**Luis:** Good. (scoops up a handful of Jenovaness from Tifa's leg; looks up at Jessica and Terrell) You two, follow me.

Luis, Terrell, and Jessica move back into the corner of the ship where Luis was sleeping. He takes the pieces in one hand and the Jenova stuff in the other.

**Luis:** I'm going to teach you both a new technique.

They watch, wide-eyed, as Luis shoves the metal into his mouth, then slurps up the Jenova slime, and chews avidly.

**Terrell:** (watching in disgust and awe) Man, now I know that's unhealthy.

**Jessica:** Oh yuck, eww, gross! (runs to throw up over the side of the boat)

Luis chews a little longer, then blows outward, a grayish bubble coming out of his mouth and forming the roundish shape of a blade. He keeps blowing a bit, then pulls the entire thing out of his mouth, shakes it off, and hands it to Terrell. Terrell inspects it, touching it as little as possible, as Jessica comes back from being sick.

**Terrell:** (amazed) It's… a real sword…

**Luis:** Well, duh. I wasn't going to send Cloud into a fight without a weapon, now was I?

**Jessica:** How did you do that?

**Luis:** That's one of our special abilities. We can make any type of weapons we want; we just need the material for them.

**Terrell:** So, what's it called?

**Luis:** Rebirth Stealer.

**Jessica:** Rebirth… ugh! (goes to throw up again)

Luis takes the sword back and walks to Cloud, handing it to him.

**Luis:** Here. Take care of it. It'll be your best sword for a long time.

Cloud: Thank you. How did you do it?

**Jessica:** (yelling from out of sight) Don't ask! Just don't ask!

**Tifa:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwww.

**Terrell:** Well, I guess I won't be chewing gum anytime soon.

**Nanaki:** The boat's docking now.

Barrett: So what's the plan, Cloud?

**Cloud:** Um, we'll group in Costa del Sol for a night, and after that, we'll search for a clue on where Sephiroth went.

**Luis and Terrell:** (snicker)

**Jessica:** What's so funny?

**Terrell:** My god, you did it and you missed it. How blind _are _you?

**Jessica:** HEY!

**Yuffie:** I… don't get it.

**Aeris:** (shrugs) I don't ask really.

**Tifa: CAN WE LAND SO I CAN WASH THIS SHIT OFF ALREADY!**


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter Nine:** Costa del Sol ("Mommy? Daddy?")

Luis steps off the boat and looks up into the bright sky, shielding his eyes from the glare.

**Luis:** Heeeeeeey, that's the portal thingie…………………..shit.

He runs into the resort town. Jessica stumbles off the ship, looking a little green. Tifa runs off the boat and bursts into the inn, demanding a shower. Aeris, Nanaki, and Yuffie walk into the town square, looking at the different shops—Yuffie's instantly taken by the materia shop. Barrett, Cloud, and Terrell head toward the bar. Jessica, after regaining her bearings, follows Luis down to the beach, where he's standing behind two beach chairs seating a man and a woman.

**Luis:** Mom? Dad?!

**Mom:** Luis!

**Dad:** Louie. What's up?

**Luis:** Oh shit… are you guys alright?!

**Mom:** We're perfectly fine, as you can tell, just getting some sun.

**Dad:** Though how we got here is a mystery.

**Luis:** Um, I can explain… but first, let me fix something. (looks up at the portal) I need to stabilize it so it stays in one spot. Now how does it go again…?

**Jessica:** (walking up and flipping through the book) Um… it's one of the missing pages.

**Luis:** Nevermind! I remember now!! (holds his hands up) Magnus Ariousis Exvertum!

As pink foam wraps itself around the portal, and instead of stopping it, speeds it up, making it spin around the planet at high speeds.

**Jessica:** Nice.

**Luis:** Ah fuck.

**Jessica:** I suppose you don't remember anything else from the missing pages, huh? Like, how to get home, maybe?

**Luis:** Um… no. I remember how to open up more portals though. See?

He waves one hand and opens a portal right beside him, where Sephiroth stumbles out, looking really haggard and disheveled.

**Jessica:** AHH! It's you!

**Luis:** Oh, Sephypoo! (smile smile)

**Sephiroth:** (screams and faints)

**Luis:** Well, he's not supposed to be here now, is he? (kicks him back into the portal)

**Jessica, Mom, Dad:** (stare) …

Cloud, Tifa, and Nanaki descend the sand-covered stairs and meet with the others.

**Tifa:** Ah, _finally._ Shower.

**Nanaki:** Cloud…

**Cloud:** Hey, Jess, did Sephiroth show up here? (looks around)

**Jessica:** Er…

Luis: Portal Seal! (the little portal closes)

**Jessica, Mom, Dad:** (stare) …

**Nanaki:** Um, Cloud…?

**Cloud:** What the hell was that?

**Tifa:** Another portal?

**Luis:** Ah, not exactly. It was a… mirror into my mind! Yeah, yeah!

**Jessica:** I pity the person that looked into it.

**Mom:** (raises an eyebrow) Your mind…?

**Luis:** Um, yeah mom. Uh… hey! Why don't you both stay here for a little while and have a good time, on me! (chucks a bag of gold at them) We'll get home soon enough!

**Dad:** Where did you get all this gold?

**Mom:** Gold?! (looks in the bag)

**Luis:** Eh…gambling! Yeah, that's right. On the cruise I just came off of! We'll see each other later, okay? Bye! (walks away)

**Tifa:** Those were your parents?

**Cloud:** Weird…

**Nanaki:** CLOUD!!!

**Cloud:** (turns around) WHAT?!

**Nanaki:** (motions over to someone in a beach chair off to their left) Isn't that Hojo?

Cloud turns and looks at the scientist, who is looking at Luis.

**Luis:** Hojo! _Squeeeeeee!_ (runs to nuzzle)

**Jessica:** (shudder) Eeeeww.

**Tifa:** Yeah really.

**Cloud:** Hojo! What are you doing here?

**Hojo:** (pushing Luis away to answer) Everyone needs a change of scenery sometimes. I came here to relax; that's what you do on a vacation.

**Luis:** Hojie! (nuzzle nuzzle)

**Jessica:** Eeeeww.

**Tifa:** What about Sephiroth? Aren't you chasing him?

**Hojo:** Well, yes, that too.

**Cloud:** So where is he?!

**Hojo:** And why should I tell you?

**Cloud:** Dammit.

**Luis:** Oh he will.

**Hojo:** (stares) And you are…?

**Luis: **(deep voice) A nightmare wrapped up into an enigma and given god's powers. That's what I am.

**Nanaki: **That's a hell of a thing to be, isn't it?

**Luis:** (back to normal) Uh-huh. I had gas. (smile smile)

**Jessica:** (rolls eyes) Oy vey.

**Cloud:** (looks at Hojo) Tell us.

**Hojo:** (being stupidly arrogant) I think I'll just let you find out for yourselves. After all, how could anyone but a brilliant genius such as myself know that Sephiroth is heading toward North Corel and the Gold Saucer to retrieve the Keystone.

**Cloud:** (blink)

**Tifa:** Uh… right. Thanks.

**Nanaki:** (shaking his head) Let's go.

**Jessica:** _Idiot._

They leave. Luis is still clinging to Hojo.

**Hojo:** What are you, really?

**Luis:** (gets up; sky turns dark; deep voice, again)

**Author's Note:** I was bored, I had a little bit too much to drink last night, and I felt a little _weird…_ but I think I like it! Anyway, back to story…

**Luis:** Like I said before, Hojo. (slaps a hand to his forehead) Now reveal your secrets to me!

**Hojo:** (screams and starts babbling every secret detail he knows, including that about the Shin-Ra, Sephiroth, and things in his personal life Luis really didn't want to know)

**Luis:** (pulls away) Well. That was interesting. Never really thought it would work though—first time doing it.

**Hojo:** (wide eyed) You are a god… (faints)

**Luis:** (shakes head) Whatever. But thanks for all the technical knowledge! I'll be making some interesting things in the near future. (teleports away)

Back on the dock, where they agreed to meet, Cloud is sitting and polishing his new sword.

**Jessica:** (remembers how it was made) Eeeeeeeeewwww……..

**Yuffie:** Why the 'eeewww'?

**Terrell: **(shakes head quickly) You don't want to know.

**Barrett:** (next to him) Can I have pockets _now?_

**Terrell:** Get away, man.

**Luis:** (teleports behind Barrett) Sure, you can have pockets now!

Everyone jumps, startled. Barrett whimpers and hides behind Cloud. Cloud looks at him, then up at Luis and the "normal" smile on his face.

**Cloud:** Are you…okay?

**Luis:** Quite fine. (drops his voice again) Barrett, here now if you want pockets!

**Barrett:** (whimpers, shakes his head vehemently, and cowers behind Cloud)

**Aeris:** Um, excuse me, Mr. Luis? May I have pockets?

**Luis:** Okay Aeris, come here.

She walks over and he slips a hand into her pocket. All of them raise their eyebrows. _Isn't he gay…?_

**Luis: **(deep voice, _again—_this is his spell voice, if you haven't noticed. His scary voice too.. shudder) Dimensions of light, Dimensions of darkness, turn into Pockets!

**Aeris:** (blink; reaches into her pocket and pulls out the head of a behemoth, which leaps out and stands ready to attack)

We can't see Aeris anymore.

**Jessica: **Oooh pretty!!

**Luis:** (staring at Jessica) What did you do?!

**Jessica:** Nothing!! (when Luis looks away, she pulls out his laptop and closes the word document she had been typing on) Heeheehee.

**Cloud:** What the hell is that?!

**Tifa: **I dunno, but it's pretty!

**Terrell:** It's dangerous!

**Luis:** (looks over at her) You started this. Finish it.

**Jessica:** (pouts) Aw man.

**Nanaki:** Hello, if we haven't noticed, there's a big-ass creature standing in front of us, and he looks kind of pissed…

Indeed, the Behemoth is furious at these people who are ignoring him and the flames pouring out from between his fangs. He roars and Jessica turns to him impatiently.

**Jessica:** We're not done talking, you rude thing! Shut up!

She casts a Blizzara spell in its mouth and it blinks, utterly shocked. The others look at her as Luis giggles.

**Luis:** At least you're learning.

**Jessica:** So, who's fighting?

**Cloud:** I will.

**Tifa:** Me too!

**Yuffie:** I'll steal from it! …then run.

**Nanaki:** How brave of you.

**Terrell:** Ah, I'll sit this one out. Have fun.

**Luis:** Hmm… I will too.

**Jessica:** Huh? You're not fighting?

**Luis:** No, I am. See? (pulls out the Lionheart)

**Jessica:** Ho-kay! Let's go!

The Behemoth, at this point, is still really angry and just a little confused. It lunges at them, trying to breathe fire, but that Blizzara spell is really doing its job; only a puff of black smoke shoots out. Angered even more (how do you think an angry Behemoth fights?) it rears up on its hind legs and brings its claws down a little too close for comfort. Jessica simply climbs onto its paw and is lifted back up into the air as it rears for its second attack. She sits on its shoulder and waits for it to notice her.

**Jessica:** (smile smile) Hi.

The Behemoth begins bucking wildly—mind you, Aeris is _somewhere_ beneath it... The others come forward to fight, Jessica hopping back down and hiding behind Cloud, who goes at the beast with his new sword. Tifa is trying to use that "wind materia" and is finding it to be, well, not working.

**Tifa:** Huh?!

Jessica walks over to Luis and taps his shoulder.

**Jessica:** You actually going to _do _anything?

**Luis:** Of course I am! Watch. (pulls back the Lionheart) Heart's Evolution!

In a Squallish-like manner, Luis raises the gunblade high over his head, a red light swirling around him and being sucked into the blade, which is growing taller and broader.

**Terrell:** (jumping up and turning away) I'm out man, I'm sorry.

**Jessica:** Eeee….

**Nanaki:** Wow.

**Cloud:** I'm gonna—

**Tifa:** Jump the hell outta the way! (grabs him and jumps behind the ship)

**Yuffie:** Meep! (follows them)

**Barrett:** Sweet mother of god! (runs too)

**Jessica:** Hey, where's Aeris?

**Terrell:** I thought you'd be the last to care about what happens to her right now.

**Jessica:** Ah, I just wanna see if she's in Luis's path, that's all. (demonic smile)

**Terrell:** (lifts an eyebrow) You know, Jess, you're really weird.

**Jessica:** I know. (smile)

Back to Luis. That red light? Yeah. It's in the form of a huge-ass beam that's lost in the clouds above. Right before it comes down on the Behemoth, that portal, remember that? Well, the portal just adds it's own twisted spell to the attack and the beam comes down on the Behemoth's head. As the red explosion knocks everyone off their feet, Luis flings the sword up into the air and dashes forward as it spins upward into the air. He runs forward, his fists glowing silver, and starts beating the shit out of the poor Behemoth. Punch punch punch kick kick punch punch kick and a lot more of them too.. then jumps back and catches the sword from its fall. He holds it like a shotgun, clicks the double hammers back and the blade opens up on four different points, a red heart-shaped glow in the center. Then the energy slams into the Behemoth, leaving a heart-shaped hole seared through its body as it lands in a bloody heap on the dock, the blood pooling out into the shape of.. a heart.

**Author's Note:** Again I say, I was a little bored and a little drunk, and well…

**Jessica:** (looks out at the damage) …….eeeeeeeeeewwwww.

**Terrell:** Holy fuck… what are you doing with a move like that?!

**Cloud:** (looks out too) What the—?!

**Tifa:** Wow…. Teach me!

**Luis: **Not that hard, really.

**Jessica:** (looking faint) Not that hard..?!

**Nanaki:** You, sir, have some issues.

**Luis:** I know.

**Barrett:** Aeris!?

They look. In the very center of the heart-shaped bloodstain and the heart-shaped hole in the dead Behemoth, lies an unconscious Aeris.

**Jessica:** Ah, she's okay.

**Cloud:** You call that okay…?

**Terrell:** Well, she's right; she's not dead.

**Tifa:** Pity.

**Jessica:** That's what I said.

**Luis:** (sigh) Children, what have I said about playing nice? (turns to Aeris) Revive! Demon bunnies.

Aeris shoots up screaming.

**Luis:** She'll be fine.

**All:** …


End file.
